If You Intend
by cardassianvole
Summary: A fifteen-year-old Dana Scully attempts suicide but is saved by a mysterious stranger...


"If you intend to live again, then take the outstretched hand of one who needs you / it's been so long, we've missed you / why do you intend to speed your end? Lie in the dark and let your limbs grow weaker, sinking low then deeper / how can you be so near and not see?"  
  
--Natalie Merchant, "If You Intend"  
  
  
  
Dana Scully was tired. And she was tired of being tired. Ever since she had moved to Maryland a year ago, all they had done was unpack, adjust, and then have to pack up again, to move somewhere else. This was no different. In two weeks, she would be moving to yet another town, in yet another state, on yet another military base..... when would it end? Even her mother had said that it was too much for a sixteen-year-old girl as sensitive as Dana to handle. But this time, as always, her parents had promised that it would be different. "This is the last time that we'll do this to you, Dana. You'll learn to love Maryland. We promise." So, Dana had gone after things like she hadn't before; she went after things like she had a future with them. "Only to have them shattered again," Dana thought aloud as she packed up her belongings into a large cardboard box.  
  
"Dana?"  
  
She turned around. Her nineteen-year-old sister Missy stood in the doorway, her long, curly red hair flowing behind her.  
  
"Are you ready to go to Nantucket?"  
  
Dana nodded. To make up for the trauma of moving, her parents were sending her, Missy, and her two brothers Billy and Charlie to stay with their aunt and uncle in Nantucket for a week and a half. Sure is a cheap way to buy our love, Dana thought as she and Missy walked down the stairs and out of the house.  
  
"Dana, you're sitting in the middle again, okay?" Billy informed her.  
  
Dana rolled her eyes, exhaling sharply. Who was Billy to tell her what to do? And who died and said that Dana Scully always had to sit in the middle of the car, anyway?  
  
God, I wish it would rain, she thought. That would complete my day.  
  
"Is Dana okay?" Missy asked Billy, pointing subtly to Dana, who was curled up in the back seat, staring gloomily out the window.  
  
"Yeah, she'll be fine," Billy waved his hand. "She's just pissy about moving. God, you'd think that she'd be used to it by now."  
  
Missy slapped Billy's shoulder. "Billy, go easy on her. She's a teenager."  
  
Dana felt tears come to her eyes. Why can't I just die? she thought. Even that would be better than this hell I'm living in now. Even my own brother and sister talk about me like I'm not even here.  
  
The road to Nantucket loomed dark and endless on the horizon. Dana closed her eyes and hoped that something would happen-anything-to take her out of this world.  
  
She hoped she would never get to Nantucket.  
  
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx  
  
"Dana? Are you going with us?"  
  
Dana turned to face Missy, who was all decked out in beachwear and sunscreen.  
  
"No," she muttered, focusing her attention once again on the rolling sea. The porch swing rocked gently in the breeze. Why wouldn't Missy just go away?  
  
"Oh, come on, Dana, it'll be fun. I promise. Please?"  
  
Dana shot Missy a Look.  
  
"Okay, okay, Dana," she backed away. "Suit yourself." Missy turned around and walked towards the sunny beach, leaving Dana rocking on the porch swing, nothing to do but contemplate her life. Or lack thereof, Dana thought bitterly, sighing as a leaf flew by her face. I wish that I were like that leaf. I could just blow away one day, never to be seen again, and no one would ever miss me......  
  
Dana remained like that all day, just staring out at the ocean and wishing more and more that the end would come. That night, after dinner, the family was sitting around in the living room, watching old movies and drinking coffee--just basically enjoying one anothers company.  
  
"I'm going out," Dana told everyone, getting up from her seat and walking towards the front door.  
  
"Dana, wait just a second," Billy called after her. "Where are you going at this time of night?"  
  
"Somewhere where you'll never find me," Dana replied, slamming the door behind her as she stepped out into the cool summer night.  
  
The breeze was light, but Dana wished that she was wearing more than her old cutoffs and her bikini top as she walked along the deserted beach. Maybe I should just run in, she thought, staring at the choppy ocean in front of her. It won't take that long to kill me, and besides, they probably won't find the body. No one will think that I'm dead. They'll just assume that I ran off, that I was a bad daughter again..... they probably won't even care.  
  
She had just made up her mind to run into the ocean and drown when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Startled, she jumped backwards, into the person's arms.  
  
"I'm sorry," the male voice apologized as he caught her. "I didn't mean to frighten you. You just looked like you were about to do something stupid is all. I wanted to stop you."  
  
Puzzled, Dana freed herself from his arms and turned around. In front of her stood a man no more than nineteen or twenty, with brown hair and a muscular build. His face spoke of concern; his eyes spoke of knowledge.  
  
"Why.... why did you save me?" she asked incredulously.  
  
"Do you want to know the answer to that question?"  
  
Dana nodded.  
  
"Come over here," he told her, keeping his arm around her shoulder and leading her to a large flat rock. "Sit down."  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked, a little agitated. What was this idiot doing here? What did he want with her? And just who was he to tell Dana Scully what to do with her life?  
  
"I was once like you," he began slowly. "Lost, anguished....I bet you feel like you don't have any hope. Am I right?"  
  
Dana nodded again. Maybe this man had something worthwhile to say after all.  
  
"And I'll bet that you feel like there's nothing to live for--and that if you just died, not only would all of the pain be gone, but no one would even miss you."  
  
Dana couldn't believe what she was hearing. This man was describing her psyche, and he'd not even known her for five minutes!  
  
She cleared her throat. "That's exactly the way that I'm feeling....how did you know?"  
  
He smiled wistfully. "I've been there, kid. When I was sixteen, I felt the very same way that you do now. My sister was missing, my parents had split up....things weren't exactly anyone's cup of tea. I didn't know how to deal with everything that was happening to me, so I shut down-no one could talk to me, I lost friends, my family started ignoring me--they'd talk about me to my face like I wasn't even there. I started to think that life just wasn't worth the pain anymore, and that if I just ended it all, everything would be okay."  
  
Dana sat, staring at the man, enthralled by the biography of her life that he seemed to be writing. "What did you do?"  
  
He shrugged. "I came down here, actually. I was about to do the exact same thing that you were about to do..."  
  
Dana sighed and stared out at the rough, black ocean. "Why didn't you?"  
  
"I almost did," he confessed. "But then I started thinking about all of the things that I would miss if I went..."  
  
Dana snorted. "Like what? What is there to miss about this place? Pain? Suffering?"  
  
"More than you think," he told her, speaking from experience. "I started thinking about sunrises--you know, the ones that are almost Technicolor in nature and just make you want to sing...and I started thinking about places like this--calm, warm beaches, somewhere to sort out your thoughts and return to your senses with peace instead of turmoil. And then I thought of love."  
  
Dana raised an eyebrow. "Love?"  
  
"Sure. Haven't you ever fallen in love?" Dana shook her head. I never have, she thought to herself. Sweet sixteen and never been in love. Then something inside her brain snapped. "This guy is your chance, Dana" her mind told her. Stop it! she retaliated. Brain, stop it. This man is probably Missy's age! No matter how gorgeous he may be, he is still off- limits. But her brain just didn't seem to listen that night.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder. Without thinking, Dana felt a chill run down her spine.  
  
"Yes," she replied. "And no, I have never fallen in love. I don't think I ever will."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Dana shrugged. "No one ever seems interested. And besides, I have nothing to live for. Even love won't help me now."  
  
He looked deep into her eyes, as if searching for an answer.  
  
"What if I did this?" he asked, putting one hand around her neck and kissing her.  
  
Dana couldn't believe what was happening. When she felt his lips touch hers, she kissed him back, eagerly. Sparks flew; she could feel them coming from his lips and from his fingertips as they touched her skin.  
  
She broke the kiss suddenly, pulling away from this man whom she desperately wanted.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked her.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked, getting up from the rock and standing in front of him. "Trying to kiss me into not killing myself because it would be a weight on your already unstable conscience? Is that it? Because usually people don't just walk up to underage girls on the beach and kiss them."  
  
His eyes glazed over. "How old are you?"  
  
Dana's mind told her to tell the truth. Her heart, however, had a different plan. "Oh, I'll be eighteen in February," she grinned slyly. "What about you?"  
  
"Nineteen," he replied. "Turning twenty in October."  
  
"Is that still illegal?" she asked, her insides burning for a taste of him.  
  
"Not in my book," he breathed, taking her into his arms once more and kissing her, long and hard, on the lips.  
  
Dana broke the kiss to let his lips wander elsewhere, and as he planted a trail of kisses along her face and neck, moving downward to her upper chest area, she looked upward and silently thanked God for not letting her die.  
  
The ringing of a phone interrupted her thoughts. The man broke from her, groaned, and took a small cell phone from his pocket.  
  
"Yeah?" he answered it, looking into Dana's eyes and holding her stare. "Mom, please. This isn't a good time...." his gaze shifted toward the ocean. "Mom, honestly....okay, I'll come home tomorrow. All right, mom. I love you too....goodnight." He hung up the phone, still staring at the ocean, then said, "My mother is a bit overprotective of me."  
  
Dana snickered. "Same here." "Why do you sound like you don't mean that?" he asked her, turning to face her once more.  
  
Dana couldn't believe this. First this weird man saves me from committing suicide, then he paints a picture of his own life that is closer than close to my own, then he kisses me, and now he knows what I'm thinking just by my tone? Weird, Dana.  
  
"Because I don't?"  
  
"Good answer."  
  
Dana sighed, defeated once more. "She used to be overprotective. But lately....I don't know, she just doesn't seem to care what I do or what happens to me....I mean, look. I just got up tonight and walked out of the house! A month ago, my mother would have freaked so bad that I wouldn't have gone outside for a month. And now, here we are, at my aunt and uncle's house, and no one--not even my overprotective brother and sister-care enough to talk to me. Care enough to care."  
  
He put his arms around her, and tears began to fall from her cheeks. "How do I make it stop?" she pleaded with him. "Please make it stop. Please."  
  
"I'll try," he said, and Dana saw tears welling up in his eyes as well. "Listen to me....you are beautiful, intelligent, and one of the most mature people that I have ever met....you have so much potential it's going to leak out your ears someday. Your life will turn out exactly the way that you want it to, and it will because you have not only the potential but the determination and spark to make it happen."  
  
Dana looked through blurry, tear-filled eyes to see him. He was also crying, and holding her as tight as he could manage. "You mean that?"  
  
He smiled slightly. "Of course I mean it! I am an honest person, and I would never to say anything to mislead you....."  
  
Dana felt something inside of her come to life. Something that she hadn't felt in months. Years. Something she thought she would never feel again.  
  
She felt happiness.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked her, bringing Dana back to reality.  
  
For the first time in what seemed like forever, Dana smiled. "Yes, I'm okay."  
  
He looked surprised. "Do you mean that?"  
  
She nodded, kissing him on the lips. "I mean it."  
  
He continued to hold her as they stared off into the ocean and, on the horizon, Dana could see the sun peeking out from behind the waves.  
  
"It's morning already?" she asked with shock.  
  
"I can't believe it, either," he related. "Look at the sunrise. See, that's what I was talking about. Isn't it beautiful?"  
  
Dana had to agree. "It's one of the most beautiful things that I think I've ever seen."  
  
He took her hand and kissed it. "I wish that we could stay like this forever....."  
  
Dana closed her eyes, sighing. "I wish that too....."  
  
"Can I confess something to you?" he asked her suddenly.  
  
Dana turned to face him. "We've done nothing but confess to each other tonight. One more can't hurt us, can it?"  
  
He smiled. "I think......I think that I've fallen in love with you. Just from tonight. I don't know why, I don't know how--all I know is that I have never felt this way in my entire life. You have brought out something in me that I never thought possible."  
  
Dana's thoughts were whirling. This man thought that he had fallen in love with her. What did she think? She sighed deeply, staring off into the distance, and knew the answer. She loved this man. Deeply, unconditionally.....but how? How did they fall in love so quickly? Was that possible?  
  
The ringing of the man's pager once again interrupted him.  
  
"Jesus," he groaned. "It's a 911 page from my mother." He turned back to Dana, guilt and anguish on his face. "I'm having some personal issues at home...it has to do with my sister. I am so sorry, but I have to get back home....." he took her hand and squeezed it as hard as he could.  
  
Dana sighed. "I understand," she told him. "Your mother needs you." I need you too, she thought. "Go ahead."  
  
He gave her a small smile. "Thank you...." he said. "I.....I want you to have this. To remember me by."  
  
Dana looked at the small pin in her hand. It had the picture of an Apollo spacecraft, and engraved on the side was 'APOLLO 11-the first to land on the moon.'  
  
She looked back up at him. "I'll treasure it always."  
  
He kissed her hand. "Until we meet again." And then he was gone, into the Technicolor sunrise and whatever awaited him.  
  
Dana turned towards the beachhouse. The events of the past twenty-four hours had changed her perspective. She had nearly killed herself, fallen in love, and had gotten her heart broken. Yes, Dana Scully, life is worth living, she told herself as she sat on the porch swing. I can't wait to see him again......  
  
  
  
.....Ten years later, Special Agent Dana Scully walked quickly down a narrow hallway in the basement of the J.Edgar Hoover building in Washington D.C. When she saw the door was closed, she thought better to knock first. After all, she had never met this agent Fox Mulder with whom she had been paired with.  
  
Pausing in front of the door, she sighed deeply and knocked.  
  
"No one down here but the FBI's most unwanted," came the call from inside the office.  
  
Dana hesitated for a moment before entering. She could have sworn that the voice of Fox Mulder sounded very familiar. But how?  
  
Shaking her head, she turned the doorknob. After all, it was probably nothing, right?  
  
Copyright June 19, 1999 


End file.
